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Book Review: How to Win Friends and Influence People

I just completed Dale Carnegie’s best-selling book How to Win Friends and Influence People. I’ve been excited for so long to read it as it’s all about psychology.
The book was different in style than what I was expecting. Perhaps because I’ve read many sales books recently like The Challenger Sale and SPIN Selling (review to come). The book was focused from a point-of-view what Dale Carnegie’s identified as effective tactics as well as stories from either his students or great leaders – notably several U.S. Presidents.
Each chapter was a lesson, and as I read the book, I was wondering how I would employ each lesson. However, I realized it’d be too challenging being literal and narrow. Instead, the book could be best understood and employed by collapsing the lessons into broader concepts.
Here are my take-aways then:
  • It’s never about you. Influencing others and creating a positive relationship starts from a place of empathy. Whether someone has done something wrong or has a contentious point, influence needs to come from a place of wanting to learn why the other feels that way. Arguments are never resolved by more arguments. Instead, arguments are resolved from a place of conciliation, coming to the “right” answer by the other (not by arguing to the point of “convincing”), etc.
  • Flattery, praise, and humility go the only way. The book stresses how arguments tend to come from a place of proving selves right. In doing so, the other party can feel embarrassed, guilty, etc. The best way to win friends is to praise others and help guide them to understanding a counterpoint. This way, the other can save face. The other can feel confident and comfortable coming to a conclusion that s/he realized on his/ her own.
  • Make others the model of distinction.No, this does not mean making an example out of someone. Instead, to influence someone, speaking highly of him/ her. Even go so far as to give him/ her a high distinction or responsibility. In this way, the person may live up to the distinction, and thus, be influenced to the act in a desired way. To be told or given the responsibility of being the best, you must be just that – and they’ll try that much more to live up to it.
  • Stay positive. Always. This book stressed positivity in every lesson. This shouldn’t be a surprise, but it reinforces the importance and power of the “simple” positivity. This can start as a smile. This can also include faking a smile. Akin to living up to a high distinction, faking positivity can create positivity.
  • Being supremely tactful is perhaps the best way to start. I can recall several instances recently where I’ve been… less than enthused. There have been times I have argued. Each time, I’ve realized a better way afterwards. Each time, I’ve acted more impulsively. What this book has taught me (or reinforced strongly) is to take a moment and be tactful in the face of disagreements and criticism. I will no doubt feel knee-jerk reactions, but I will have to take a moment think before actions (like the event at the apartment complex recently). With constant practice, I think my knee-jerk reactions will then be more positive and empathetic than today.

Check out the book. Reinforce things you may know, or may not have thought about. But also, take a moment to reflect on how you interact with others and the silent impression you give off.

What and how can you change to create more friends, or be more influential?
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Using Personality Tests in the Workplace

I love psychology. I love getting to know people – what interests them, what are their tendencies, and the like. One of the best ways to learn more about people (and yourself) is to go to a therapist. Or, like the rest of the world today, you can go online and take a test. Enter the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI).

MBTI is a self-reported survey revealing the psychological tendencies of people – how they view and react to the world.

MBTI was first developed by Katharine Briggs and later refined by (and with) her daughter Isabel Briggs Myers. The original Briggs Myers Type Indicator Handbook was published in 1944 with several editions published since then, including the 3rd in 1998. 
The MBTI aligns people into 16 personalities along four dichotomies:
  • Extraversion (E) vs. Introversion (I) – where one draws energy (external sources or internal)
  • Sensing (S) vs. Intuition (N) – information-gathering functions
  • Thinking (T) vs. Feeling (F) – decision-making functions
  • Judging (J) vs. Perception (P) – preference for using either the thinking or feeling functions vs. sensing or intuitive functions

Using something like MBTI can help in business in all sorts of ways. You can use MBTI internally with team members as a colleague and leader — communication, work styles, etc. MBTI personality types can help salespeople communicate with prospects. MBTI can also help marketers better understand value points and spark emotional intrigue in customers.

You can find more about MBTI at 16personalities.com, and even take a personality test to discover yours – it’s an abbreviated version, but can be generally in the right direction.
How else can MBTI be used in the workplace? What are advantages to using a personality tests in the workplace? Disadvantages?
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How Facebook Makes You Feel Good and Layering Psychological Cues in Tech

Image source: http://images.sussexpublishers.netdna-cdn.com/article-top/blogs/30297/2013/02/117159-115153.jpg
If you’ve been following me for a little while, you know of my interest in psychology as well as technology. Some may call the interest a passion. Others may call it an obsession… not many. Anyways, I was on Psychology Today the other day, and found a really interesting article – “The Human Psychology Behind Facebook’s Success”. I remember immediately being piqued about learning more on why I keep clicking on that damn site so many times a day.
The article starts by talking about how Facebook allows us to “not only connect with loved ones, but with our fundamental human needs”. Intriguing. Go on. Facebook is the “daily destination […] to meet our need for psychological fulfillment”. Okay, I’m in. Let’s get into the rest of the article.
The article breaks Facebook into addressing four key psychological needs.

Self-esteem

This is a strong determinant of our psychology well-being, and Facebook allows us to build our self-esteem via purposeful construction of our self-schema. “Self-schema?” you ask. Let me explain.
Our self-schema is how we model ourselves in terms of what we think about, care about, and spend our time and energy on. Essentially, it gives us the notion of what’s important to us, and what isn’t so that if we were to, say, be ranked lowly in an area we care little about, it doesn’t affect us (i.e. coming in the last quartile of a race we care little about running in).
Facebook profiles are reflections of our self-schema… reflections that we pick and choose what we want – pictures, hobbies, levels of education, etc. Thus, we boost our self-esteem by creating the profile representative of what we like most about ourselves. Meanwhile, we can mitigate negative hits to our self-esteem by limiting those who may otherwise “troll” our profiles.
Like what I wrote up about online dating profiles, our profiles are, unsurprisingly, carefully curated reflections of us – see “Practicing Biz Dev Whenever, Wherever… For Instance On Match.com”.
Kinda funny… kinda appropriate. Image source: http://harrissocialmedia.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/facebook-meme-ecard.png

Impression management. 

Facebook allows users to have more control over what we say, show, and do. How often do we want to hit the “undo” or “rewind” button?
Facebook gives us the opportunity to manage what we say and what others see by preparing thoughtful status updates, wall posts, messages, etc. All the while, nonverbal behavior goes out the window online that may otherwise create negative impressions.
We can draw both explicit and implicit cues from user behavior, too, on Facebook. We can see explicitlymeasureable cues including number of friends, education level, etc. While implicitly, we infer things including how often a user posts and shares updates may point to levels of extroversion. Frequent relationship updates may point to a high degree of instability.
With Facebook, we influence our self-esteem with these impression management levers. Not only are we influencing how others may perceive us, but we also influence how we perceive OURSELVES. *mind blown*

Need to Belong. 

The article cites a study performed in 1995 by Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary. They argue that “the need to belong is a fundamental human need to form and maintain at least a minimum amount of lasting, positive, and (significant) interpersonal relationships. Satisfying this need requires (a) frequent, positive interactions with the same individuals, and (b) engaging in these interactions within a long-term framework…” In today’s world, social networks like Facebook fills this need.
Facebook even leverages existing word associations to trigger deeper emotional ties. For example, the use of the word “friends” to link users on Facebook builds on our earlier understanding of the word and feeling of belonging. It’s a term with a strong cognitive, emotionally-charged association. We even joke at times that we’re not really friends till its official on Facebook. (We = some of us…)
Another example: “photo album”. Pre-Facebook, photo albums were largely compiled by families and close friends. With Facebook, photo albums are building on this association of “belonging” and “closeness”.

Facebook Enables Our Personality Traits. 

Facebook gives us the ability to vent and share our needs and obsessions without fear of repercussions that would otherwise “violate” social norms. Take the example from the article – an extrovert who loves to share pictures. In real-life, it would be unacceptable for him to pull out pictures and ask everyone to look at them. However, on Facebook, it’s perfectly acceptable to post the pictures online and let everyone look at them. It’s normal here.
Heck, it allows gawkers to… well… gawk at other individuals without getting evil eyes. If that isn’t weird to think about already…

So where am I going with all this?

Well, for one, this was an interesting read. I enjoyed the psychology aspects and how it’s layered in Facebook (and many other social networks). For me, the most interesting piece of the Psychology Today article is the notion of the self-schema.
I wrote an article a while ago about “Your Personal Brand: You’re a Walking, Talking Billboard”. Everything about what you wear, what you say, etc. is an advertisement for yourself in addition to any brands you’re actually wearing. Whether you’re conscious of the content you share or how you’re “managing impressions” on Facebook, you may want to. We’ve heard it long ago how recruiters will check Facebook accounts for any red flags. But that’s just from a professional setting. There’s the impact from a social setting amongst your family, friends, etc. as well.
The other aspect that is interesting to this article was how Facebook leveraged ingrained associations in its product. Whether Zuckerberg and Co. overtly used the words based on the psychological aspect or not, it’s turned out for better. TechCrunchpublished an article on the viral dating app Tinder– “Tinder and Evolutionary Psychology” – which talks about what psychological aspects Tinder, too, leverages to build its success.
As we enter a world with more and more data, everyone’s fighting for our attentions and our hard earned dollars. It’s becoming more critical to build campaigns, technologies, etc. to the masses on a personal level. To do that, ingraining psychological levers seems like a smart way to go.
What are your thoughts of what’s made Facebook so viral? How have other techs built on psychological cues to influence your engagement?
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A little bit of Psychology in Business? No. A LOT.

On any given day, there’s about a 60% chance you’ll find me at Starbucks working.  It’s a great, free working space complete with vibrant energy, wake-up aromas, and, especially this time of year, snowman sugar cookies.  Ah, and there’s usually a fascinating collection of people hanging out/ working.  This past Friday night, I was writing some Holiday/ Thank You cards to our customer-partners and other prospects when I was complimented on our cards by a fellow Starbucker (yes, handwriting them – crazy in this day of keyboard and touchscreen typing, I know). 
My new friend is an MBA student at Georgia State, and was a previous Psychology major in undergrad.  She was worried a bit about having a non-business background and post-graduate opportunities.  This was a great conversation for me because I’ve long appreciated how psychology intertwines with business.  It’s not readily apparent, but it really is.  Talk to any good salesperson, and he’ll know exactly how to talk to you and potentially what makes you tick and tock. 
Some quick thoughts on how psychology is engrained in entrepreneurship and business overall…
  • Know Your Strengths and Weaknesses.  Assessments like the Myers-Briggs, DISC Profile, Berkman, etc. can be simple ways of finding out more about yourself.  These assessments may help you realize more about yourself to capitalize on your strengths and limit your weaknesses while building your career around your personal interests.  I’d recommend, however, that as much as you limit your weaknesses, to also work on those weakness or what stresses you — this can help you be a stronger performer – “be comfortable being uncomfortable”.
  • Building a Balanced Team.  As a continuation of the Strengths and Weaknesses above, building a team for a startup or small business with balanced strengths and weaknesses allow for a stronger company in addition to its product/ service offering.  For Body Boss, we do actually have differing personalities, and it challenges each of us to think more about why one another feels the way we do when we consider marketing campaigns, licensing and selling opportunities, or even just philosophies that shape our startup’s culture.

  • Put Yourself in Your Customers’ Shoes.  Marketing has psychology all over it.  You have your target audience in mind.  Do you know what language they speak?  What style of communication they perceive?  How about what really resonates with them so that you can grab their attention right away?  Marketing is all about diving into the psyche of your customers and compelling them to engage with you.
  • Sales is All About Your Customer.  Many people will tell you that an effective sales strategy is to have the customer speak.  I think this can be somewhat true in terms of getting engagement.  However, why I like this rule of thumb is so that it gives me a break and a chance to listen to the customer and analyze him/ her.  Customers are all different, and chances are, your product/ service has many value propositions.  By sitting back and listening to your prospects, you can hone in on what matters to them and cater your value message accordingly.
  • Threshold of Pain.  My new friend asked me what signs a successful entrepreneur exhibits/ has.  I have many thoughts to this, not necessarily from my own perspective, but witnessing others.  One of the standout factors?  Mental and emotional fortitude.  Beyond the physical demands of being an entrepreneur (like lack of sleep), it’s the mental and emotional toll of going through the roller coaster ride that is entrepreneurship including feeling INCREDIBLE when new customers finding out about you to incredibly FRUSTRATED due to low user engagement, then back to a HIGH after a great exhibition at a conference, then dipping back down LOW from unsuccessful trial conversions.  Because much of entrepreneurship is about passions and the creation of your own product, it takes a toll both mentally and emotionally.  I recommend you watch Angela Lee Duckworth’s TED talk about this in “The Key to Success?  Grit”.

A company, a product… in the end, behind the curtains are people.  Perhaps this is also why psychology actually plays a significant role in business.  For my fellow Starbucker, I think having a background in psychology will give her a different perspective, and with an MBA to help round out her business abilities, she’ll have a strong platform to build on.

What are your thoughts on how psychology plays a role in business and entrepreneurship?  Where else do you feel psychology plays a critical role in business?

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