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Book Review: Principles by Ray Dalio

I received a gift of a book recently – Ray Dalio’s Principles. Funny, though, as my bud handed it to me realizing that it was a hefty book, and he knew how much I enjoyed audiobooks. However, I do love a good physical book so I can take notes on or re-read/ review. (Kindle e-books included.) Well, Jeremy, I listened to the e-book for this one, too. ?But are taking notes and reviewing the hardback you gifted.

I enjoyed Ray’s book based on his leadership and the principles he instilled while leading his company Bridgewater from the ground to a 1,600+ behemoth in the financial world. What was inspiring to read, too, was how he initially co-founded the company but early on, had to let everyone go including his co-founder who left as not much money was coming in. Ray had to rebuild his team from just one (himself) to the company it is today.
The book is can be broken up into a few parts – his and Bridgewater’s story before diving into the personal and business principles. There are hundreds of principles that grounds the company in its business dealings, and that enables it to continue to thrive.
In any case, here are a few of my take-aways:
  • Like Patrick Lencioni in his book The Advantage, Ray finds personal assessments to be highly informative. Each assessment provides a view into the strengths and weaknesses of team members, which enables Ray’s team to build teams to deliver the best outcomes. He takes a lot of the personal and politics out of the equation and leans into data.
  • Ray is a fan of leveraging artificial intelligence. Really, he’s a fan of blending both computer systems with human intelligence and interactions. He started building his forecasting and analytics systems from the start – continuously training it to perfect forecasting. He’s able to leverage opposing outcomes from either “system” to dive into what could be missing or inaccurate. Meanwhile, agreeing results from both systems gives high confidence of known outcomes.
  • One of the biggest drivers of Ray and Bridgewater’s success is the idea of radical transparency. This means that personal assessments are completely out in the open so that team members understand how each other acts and works. Transparency enables teams to make mistakes, but own up to them so the rest of the team can learn and prevent future similar mistakes.
  • Meritocracy over autocracy for Bridgewater. Here, all associates at Bridgewater has the ability to challenge authority as long as there is clear merit in the person and the process. This is also where Ray leans into his belief that credence should be given to those who have demonstrated success in at least three occasions of some task/ venture. I touched on this in one of my previous posts in how this affects how I feel in my own ability to coach. But thinking about this idea, Ray has also only had “one” entrepreneurial/ business success (with Bridgewater)… not three. ?

There are many, many principles in the book (just as the title implies). It’s best not to try to adhere to all of the principles from the get go. Heck, it may not make sense to adopt any of the principles. It’s important realize whatever principles make sense (for me, you, whoever). However, it’s a constant practice to not only align myself to my principles, but also ensuring a company is aligned. And much like Bridgewater, if some principle should be rescinded or updated, it’s all possible as long as there is merit and transparency to the process.

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Book Review: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey

I just wrapped up The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. I’m finally crossing off books that have been recommended to me several years ago. This was one of those books that I had already heard so much about, especially given my highly habitual life.

The book centers around 7 habits that Covey covers:
  • Be proactive.
  • Begin with the end in mind.
  • Put first things first.
  • Think win-win.
  • Seek to understand, then to be understood.
  • Synergize.
  • Sharpen the saw.

The first three habits are focused around the self while habits 4-6 are about the external relations. The last habit is about constant improvement. 

What makes Covey’s book easy to understand and approachable are the real-world examples and applicability to everyday life. I won’t go into detail about each of the habits. However, I will say that each habit is a constant practice for me which makes sense given Covey’s message.
Of the habits, the most difficult for me are seeking to understand and thinking win-win. Too often we hear the saying that we have two ears and one mouth – pointing to the importance for active listening and focusing on the speaker, not of how we should respond or navigate the conversation to fit our own motives. Personally, I can be highly impulsive and want to jump into conversations quickly. As a sales person, this is a well-known problem. It’s akin to pitching without knowing or understand the needs of the customer.
The second habit I know I struggle with is to think win-win. Admittedly, I do struggle with looking for winning scenarios for other parties, not just myself. This is a key to the negotiating text Getting to Yes – while focusing on interests, not positions. My default thinking is to win regardless of other parties. I want to point to my competitiveness to want to be the best. However, it’s most likely just my own selfishness and ego. Maybe it’s all the same.
I believe I have very strong locus of control when it comes to my internal drivers. This also fits well with seventh habit of always sharpening the saw – always improving. In fact, Covey touches on, in particular, the importance of physical health and exercise. This is one of the most important areas of my life. As an extrovert, continuing to develop my external-facing habits is critical for continued success. Covey reiterates over and over again how society is beyond independent people. Instead, it’s about society –interdependence. We rely on relationships to build and succeed.

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Book Review: Thinking, Fast and Slow

Finally, I wrapped up Daniel Kahneman’s Thinking, Fast and Slow. I was recommended the book years ago to better understand psychology. Understanding psychology has many benefits for entrepreneurs, sellers, marketers, and others – better understand people improves interactions within teams, with customers, and even provide hypotheses for product direction.
Daniel Kahneman’s Thinking, Fast and Slow
Let me start off with: this is a dense book. The paperback copy spans 499 pages. It’s both conceptual and technical. I’ll likely need to read this book multiple times to truly appreciate its depth. As it stands, I feel the book could have (should have) been split into multiple books with the latter half diving very deep into sampling (sizes).
The two concepts I took away most from the book:
  • System 1 vs. System 2. This is the most renowned principle of the book – the systems that think “fast” and “slow”. System 1 is the mind’s reactionary processes. System 1 relies on heuristics such as recency (a recent event prejudicing the current situation), anchoring (think about the first number thrown in a negotiation), and others. System 2 is a more deliberate, limited-resourced process of the mind. Solving a math problem like 34×27 being an example. It requires a slower, deliberate thought process.
  • Sample sizes. Especially the latter half of the book, Kahneman makes several points about understanding sample sizes when deliberating biases, results, and even research (psychologists and economists most notably studied). Too often, statements or actions are based on limited sample sizes (read: not statistically significant). Instead, they are influenced solely by “what you see is all there is”.

There’s a lot more covered in the book. I am limiting the concepts here in these two broad concepts because they’re absolutely key to my take-aways. But also, there was so much discussed in this book that sticking to the highlights help influence change.

And what’s the change? Kahneman consistently reminded the reader that the research he and his former partner Amos was applicable to everyone. Though the situations hypothesized often drew criticism or defensiveness from others (readers included), the findings were widely accurate for readers – myself, included. The change then becomes more self-awareness of the fast thinking that occurs, and the necessity to slow down, when more scrupulous attention is needed.
System 2 is a limited resource. It was not hard to realize in my own life how often my System 1 jumped into action to save even just seconds of System 2 “work”. It’s true. Viewing optical illusions within the book or even evaluating double-digit multiplication, my System 2 was lazy. It was easy for my System 1 to take a quick glance and draw a conclusion (usually incorrect as was designed to throw me off) or even renege completely on the problem in front of me. It’s shocking.
I can couple this thinking and need to slow down with Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. One of my greatest challenges is slowing down and stop being immediately reactionary (read: impulsive). Perhaps because of recent events with people and challenges, it’s no wonder being more mindful is one of my main take-aways.
The book is great. It reinforces (or rather, puts a foundational view on) many other literature I’ve read recently including Dale Carnegie’s book as well as Never Split the Difference and others. Helpful to set that foundation. Though, the book is quite long, and half-way through, I wanted to skip to my next book with more actionable tactics. Choices, choices… need some time to slow down and think about this. J
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Book Review: Hit Refresh

I’ve always been a Microsoft fan even with their Vista debacle. It’s been sad to see for many years Microsoft lose its position as a dominant company losing market share for… complacency.
But, I’ve been impressed the last several years as Microsoft has re-emerged as an innovative company. So innovative that several developers and engineers I know have shifted from Apple’s ecosystem to Microsoft’s recently. Microsoft’s re-emergence from several lackluster years have been spearheaded by Satya Nadella, Microsoft’s 3rd CEO who took the reins of the Redmond corp in February 2014.
I recently read Satya’s book Hit Refresh to learn about the CEO and hear how he has steered Microsoft’s ship into a bright future. Again, I’ve been impressed with the corporation’s recent changes going against its long-gone dogmatic approach from software licensing to hardware.
The book is a deep dive into how Satya views Microsoft’s role in the world. This book was written just several years into his tenure. He shares how most CEO leadership books are written after their tenures, but Satya wanted to be open to his company’s employees and shareholders during the process. As the book implies, the approach is welcome and “refreshing”.
A few take-aways:
  • Satya is very open in the book about his family, and how his family has influenced how he envisions Microsoft’s purpose in the world – its WHY as Simon Sinek would put it. He opens up about the impact of his son, Zain, who is severely disabled. At one of his son’s appointments, Satya describes being in wonder of how Microsoft products were used everywhere in the hospital. It was at that moment he realized the importance and impact his company has in the world helping others.
  • One of the first tasks Satya did when he took over the helm as CEO was to re-engage people. He reached out and spoke to as many Microsoft employees as possible and Microsoft’s partners and customers. If you hadn’t guessed by now, culture is so important to the Microsoft CEO.
  • I believe one of the greatest results of Satya’s work and connection to his employees has been building adaptability and agility to the organization. For many years, Microsoft laid stagnant in innovation choosing to stick to its licensing deals and keeping its products away from other ecosystems. Satya saw the larger opportunity with the cloud and changed the company’s many product roadmaps – shifting to subscription-based programs, focus on enabling others with its software no matter the platform (i.e. building new partnerships with Apple, its fiercest competitor).
  • Satya’s bet on the future is largely in three areas: mixed reality, artificial intelligence, and quantum computing. The latter, I still don’t understand. Satya has certainly invested more and more resources into these areas – seeing firsthand the implications of not being a leader in mobile when Apple and Google did. Now, he’s pursuing leadership.

This is not a traditional “self-improvement” book I’ve enjoyed in the past. Instead, this book helps highlight a now-CEO. All this being good fodder for me to continually think about as I continue to lead my company.

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Book Review: Never Split the Difference

Just finished Chris Voss’ Never Split the Difference. Chris was a 25-year veteran of the FBI’s hostage negotiation unit where he honed his skills in negotiation. In contrast to business school education of negotiation, Chris’ experience was cultivated in real-practice. Though his experience was incredibly serious (negotiations were over lives), he realized his ability to effectively negotiate in most every situation including business.
In contrast to teachings from other negotiation books like Getting to Yes, Chris realized that for him, there could not be a win-win situation. He could not “split the difference” with hostage takers – “I’ll take two hostages, you take the other two”. It was about life or death.
The crux of Chris’ learning and the foundation of the book is being able to separate the emotional side of a person vs. the logical. In this way, Chris could leverage his preparation to shake up the other party, and cause the other party to reveal their intentions. This enabled Chris to influence the negotiation so the other party was moving towards Chris’ goals seemingly on his/ her own.
Lots of take-aways here:
  • Controlling emotions is critical. In negotiations, it’s easy to get personally and emotionally involved. However, this is where rationality can be lost. Exude confidence and calmness to influence the other party.
  • Preparation is key. In every negotiation, it is best to be well informed on the goals of the negotiator, and what are the potential goals of the other. Prepare understanding the other person’s interests – be empathetic.
  • Chris mentions how “black swans” can be important in influencing a negotiation – some outside insight that can change the game. Listen to context clues of the other’s intentions that can reveal clues as to the motivations. These can be financial trouble that is not known at the beginning, etc.
  • Mirror – this isn’t just about mannerisms and behavior. Instead, Chris highlights the effect of repeating the 3 (or so) most important words someone says – in a calm tone with a slight upward inflection like forming a question. This buys the negotiator time to think about a response, but also gives the other party to reveal more data points.
  • Analysts vs. accommodators vs. assertive. These are the three broad types of negotiators. Analysts need time to think about a situation. Rushing them will cause them to push back. Accommodators are collaborative but can also give up more interests to reach an agreement. Assertive negotiators ask less questions; instead, they choose to tell. For assertive negotiators, they need to be heard first before hearing the other.
  • A few questions that help buy time, but also thrusts the onus on the other party to help come up with a resolution (thus, get buy-in later): “How am I supposed to do that?”  “Your offer is very generous. I’m sorry that just doesn’t work for me”.
  • Chris offers this one line as a means to get a response via email: “Have you given up on this project?” Many reasons for why/ how this works including its directness in causing the recipient to think about loss aversion. This can be a very incredibly uncomfortable email, and though I think it could work, it could work in a detrimental way without some edits.
  • Label feelings with “It sounds like…”, “It seems like…” to get the other person to confirm and to speak more and reveal more information.
  • “You’re right” vs. “That’s right”. There’s a difference when the other party responds one of these ways. “You’re right”, typically, is the response the other party is just trying to move on. They don’t actually agree. “That’s right”, however, signals an agreement in what the other says. “That’s right” signals the negotiator is on the right-track. Chris asks questions and labels feels to get the other party to suggest solutions, and then, repeats these solutions to get the buy-in from the other party.
  • Use exactness and precision in negotiations to seem like it’s calculated with reason. For example, telling the other party you can only $477.65 seems too precise to be made up vs. $500.
  • Let other party feel like they’re in control by asking a question looking for a “no” (i.e. is now a bad time to talk?” Let them feel comfortable and in control knowing they said no.
  • To turn around objections, consider questions like, “what about this doesn’t work for you?” “what would you need to make this work?”
  • Anchor emotions to the worst case at the beginning, then ask if there’s anything else. (For example, “you probably feel that I want to gouge you of all your money. You might even think that I just want to kick you out of the apartment to make more money from someone else. Am I missing something else?”) Let the other party consider the worst-case scenario before you pitch a not-as-bad scenario.
  • Coupled with using specificity (not round numbers) in a negotiation, offer another concession that you don’t care much about – the “gift”. This has the perception that you really have nothing else to offer.
  • Rule of 3 – the idea is to get the other party to agree to some statement or commitment three times. It’s hard for folks to lie 3 times. Use this to get past seemingly non-committal responses.
  • 7-38-55… ratios of what is communicated. 7% is the words actually being said. 38% is the ton of voice. 55% is the body language including facial expressions. You get so much more by meeting in person – body language.

There are some real good tips in here from Chris, and lots of good take-aways for a sales guy (anyone, since we’re all negotiating something sometime). In hostage negotiation, there are limited options/ alternatives. In sales and business, there are usually other alternatives (best alternative to a negotiating agreement (BATNA)). As such, there are situations where win-win situations is the only way deals can be made. Looking for the only win can be short-sighted.

However, again, there are great take-aways here applicable in many situations. There’s a reason why selling solutions to pains works – there’s an emotional component to pain. Practice and know how to employ Chris’ teachings.
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Book Review: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

F*ck. Grabs your attention, right? Leave it to Mark Manson, then, to write a book titled, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck”. Call it another “self-improvement” guide to attaining that oh-so-happy-life. Except Mark does so dropping f-bombs. A lot.
As I wrote a couple weeks ago in Frustration from Nothing, the book started to resonate with me from the first chapter. The point in that post and in a recurring theme of the book was being happy with the present – not always striving for more.
Some good tidbits of wisdom in the book:
  • Less about not not giving a f*ck. More about giving the right f*cks. That is, giving f*cks too often and for everything is a waste of time and creates unhappiness. Instead, Mark espouses giving f*cks about the things that matter.
  • Giving the right f*cks requires recalibrating one’s value system. Values are easily said, but more difficult to live and take action of. What one does a conscious decision made and in accordance with one’s values. If actions and words are in conflict, then ones values may actually be different as well.
  • There are always problems. Life is really full of problems, one after another. The result, then, is what problems a person chooses to live with. What problems excitethe person.
  • Just do something. Don’t wait for the motivation to do something. Instead, do something, and let the reactions of doing something take over. Action can createmotivation.
  • Too often, we get stuck believing in our original beliefs due to the culture we’ve surrounded ourselves with. Traveling enables us to immerse ourselves and experience the cultures and ideas beyond our worlds. Traveling exposes us to thinking beyond our own ideas. Traveling shows us it’s possible to live in a world with completely different values from our own.

Mark Manson’s book was enjoyable not only for resonating with my own ideas, but also shedding light on ideas I hadn’t considered, or considered but didn’t understand – the notion about travel and its ability to show us cultures vastly different from my own, as one example.

Plus, he cusses. A lot. It’s refreshing, too.
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Book Review: The Dip by Seth Godin

I talked with friends recently about the end of Body Boss, and the air of “unfinished business”. They noted my tone of disappointment. In my book, Postmortem of a Failed Startup, I noted a number of reasons why we failed. However, there were signs of turning a corner. One of my friends was curious if that was indeed the case, and mentioned Seth Godin’s The Dip.
The Dip recognizes the importance of pushing through challenging moments and when not to (“quit”).
Take-aways:
  • Dip vs. cul-de-sac. In any endeavor, after the initial novelty and possible early success, there follows a challenging period. Godin refers to this as the “dip”. In these situations, there’s a lift after the dip towards “success”. Godin is quick to point out that there’s also the “cul-de-sac”. The cul-de-sac refers to the situation where there is no lift, no emergence to success. A dip is temporary. Cul-de-sac is forever (or too extensive). It’s important to recognize if one is in one or the other.
  • Be the best in the world. Godin points out how culture celebrates being the best – from sports professionals to actors. Being the best means digging in deep on what one is best at. This means quitting what one is not good at and cannot be the best at, or if possible, not even trying from the get-go. Quitting enables focus. Being the best means emerging from the dip and avoiding cul-de-sacs.
  • Know when to quit before starting. Easier said than done. The recommendation is to quit before starting a cul-de-sac situation – effort, thus, not wasted. But if starting, Godin suggests writing down the conditions that would be necessary to quit. Writing down the extreme conditions that would lead to quitting means any lesser conditions mean continuation.

The Dip is less than 100 pages – a quick read that may help the reader recognize life situations that may be playing out today – dip or cul-de-sac?

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Book Review: What Got You Here, Won’t Get You Here

Recently finished Marshall Goldsmith and Mark Reiter’s What Got You Here, Won’t Get You Here. It was cited in a meeting with a startup cofounder as a helpful book for his own success (and his company’s).
Off the bat, I was expecting a busy book of sorts, but instead, realized that the “You” in the title was more about YOU. The context shifted quickly, and I wasn’t prepared for it. Meanwhile, I didn’t know what to expect, let alone chapters and break-downs of how those who wish to ascend to greater success must constantly improve… starting with the things that – shall we say – rub people the wrong way. Yes, the book actually delved into character faults.
Goldsmith dives into 20 habits/ faults/ common rubs describing situations, ways to catch them, importance of resolving, resolutions, and some anecdotal results.
Here were some of my take-aways:
  • The book starts out acknowledging readers and leaders have all reached where they are, but that it may not actually help get them to the top. Oftentimes, folks who have been successful can attribute their success to personal talent and achievement. However, as they ascend, their influence commonly spans wider audiences. This can amplify personal habits that could stifle further progression.
  • One of the keys Goldsmith talks about to assess habits that negatively impact others including the self is surveying folks across the organization who come in contact and even those beyond – at home, as one example. Usually, this scope of feedback is much wider and deeper than what one may expect or ask – consider a leader who is looking to improve him/ herself. In this case, their list of folks to canvas would often times be much narrower focus than who Goldsmith would approach. This provides a holistic view that can identify habits’ reach and effect.

Per earlier, there were 20 habits mentioned. I read this book over a couple months, and admit I couldn’t recall many of them. However, as I look at a book summary to help jog my mind, I remember each easily. The habits are… not necessarily anything new. However, like many great minds, Goldsmith is able to put structure to habits to construct this list.

  • “Adding too much value: The overwhelming desire to add our two cents to every discussion.” As I write this, I realize that pointing out how I’ve recognized this in myself and how I’m trying to lessen how often I do this, I’m doing almost exactly what this habit is about – adding what I think, what I’ve done, etc. All to get some recognition. When I think about adding more of “me”, I stop and ask, “does this actually help XX?”
  • “Speaking when angry.” I just did this. I’ve been frustrated with a doctor’s office as I’ve been dealing with a chronic neck pain (herniated disc). When a doctor’s assistant called me due to a legitimately good reason (I could die without recognition of this), I responded very short-tempered. I was angry. I was tired of being passed around. I shouldn’t have.
  • “Neativity, or ‘Let me explain why that won’t work’”. This is something I have done, too. As I continue to lead and manage others (or have any relationship with others), I can be quick to jump to conclusions or express why others’ ideas won’t work. It’s unfortunate as I can stifle the others’ creativity while closing me off to new perspectives.  
  • “Refusing to express regret”. This isn’t done enough – I regret… I’m sorry… I talked to the doctor’s assistant the day after and apologized. She was just the messenger.
  • “Not listening”. Listening lets me absorb and learn. It can be done passively and actively. If I’m always pushing my thoughts, I don’t learn. I don’t expand my domain.
  • “Punishing the messenger”. Yeah, I just did this. See the story above. Maybe it’s moments like this that crystallize in me of how easy it is to keep doing the negative habits that will prevent me from being who I want to be.
  • “Failing to express gratitude”. It’s easy to live life and take things for granted – many times from the people who are closest to us (me). I feel that I should remember that each relationship is precious and must be constantly earned.

There are a lot of habits. Goldsmith did not offer a solution that I found to be effective to absorbing the habits, let alone being cognizant of them. Like the sales books (e.g. the Challenger Sale, SPIN), I can’t try to improve on everything. Instead, I have listed a subset of the habits that resonated with me most. I will work on the subset (or a subset of the subset). It takes practice. It takes diligence. However, my “There” is not that far, and I need to be ready to grasp it when it’s in front of me.

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Book Review: Inner Game of Tennis

I just finished the book the Inner Game of Tennis by Timothy Gallwey. It’s a classic – expressing the key to developing mental fortitude using tennis as the vehicle.
The Inner Game of Tennis by Timothy Gallwey
I was intrigued about the book after Tom Brady cited it as a key reading for him in developing mental strength. This was cited in an interview after Brady orchestrated the largest comeback in Super Bowl history, coming back from 28-3 to defeat my Atlanta Falcons 34-28.
Being a competitive athlete (less so on a team these days and more in “self” settings) and an entrepreneur, developing mental strength is an ongoing practice. The pressure athletes like Tom Brady and great entrepreneurs face on the brink of failure (listen to any number of episodes of NPR’s “How I Built This”) is astonishing. Being able to keep going and overcome obstacles and have ­grit is hugely interesting to me.
Without further ado, here are my main take-aways from Gallwey’s Inner Game of Tennis:
  • Self 1 vs. Self 2. Gallwey points out the inner battle between the mental (Self 1; read: mind) and the “human” side (Self 2). A good illustration of this is when striking a ball with the racket, the human body and brain are smart moving in a way to strike the ball. However, when the ball is not struck well, a player can be frustrated – yelling at himself to strike it better. From here, the player’s mind (Self 1) is now in control with much focus on how to strike the ball which only motivates the player to keep thinking too much about how to strike the ball. This prohibits the natural learning process of the body & mind (Self 2) to make the right adjustments.
  • The “natural self” (Self 2). Gallwey points out how each person is the perfect version of himself or herself. However, the mind gets in the way trying to be “better”. The natural self, however, knows how to improve. Gallwey points out how young children learn how to crawl, walk, talk by themselves. Children’s minds do not interfere and try to teachthe body how to walk. Instead, the body moves, learns, adapts, and tries again.
  • Reviewing the self. As a tennis instructor, Gallwey used to instruct his clients how to swing. Most of the time, however, players would already know what they would need to do. They still did not do it. Then, Gallwey instructed players to watch their reflections in how they strike the ball. The players watched and realized how they should swing their rackets – it was not any different from what instructors had said. However, this gave clients the ability to self-assess and visualize the proper way of swinging. No other coaching was needed. Their movements would improve on their own.

I appreciated Gallwey’s book identifying Self 1 and Self 2. Unsure if there were many more take-aways that others would get out of the book. However, my focus points were about the need to bifurcate the mind from what the player (the true self) knows what to do. Overthinking is all too common which can paralyze the player.

In everyday practice in the business world, this appears when I, especially, can get caught up in how to perform sales calls. I know what I need to do, but developing and sticking to specific scripts makes me overthink. This, then, prohibits a natural conversation with prospects.
Check out the book, and see what you pick up. I’m sure you will also focus on Self 1 and Self 2. However, there may be other lessons from the book that resonate deeper than the concept of the bifurcated Self.
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Book Review: How to Win Friends and Influence People

I just completed Dale Carnegie’s best-selling book How to Win Friends and Influence People. I’ve been excited for so long to read it as it’s all about psychology.
The book was different in style than what I was expecting. Perhaps because I’ve read many sales books recently like The Challenger Sale and SPIN Selling (review to come). The book was focused from a point-of-view what Dale Carnegie’s identified as effective tactics as well as stories from either his students or great leaders – notably several U.S. Presidents.
Each chapter was a lesson, and as I read the book, I was wondering how I would employ each lesson. However, I realized it’d be too challenging being literal and narrow. Instead, the book could be best understood and employed by collapsing the lessons into broader concepts.
Here are my take-aways then:
  • It’s never about you. Influencing others and creating a positive relationship starts from a place of empathy. Whether someone has done something wrong or has a contentious point, influence needs to come from a place of wanting to learn why the other feels that way. Arguments are never resolved by more arguments. Instead, arguments are resolved from a place of conciliation, coming to the “right” answer by the other (not by arguing to the point of “convincing”), etc.
  • Flattery, praise, and humility go the only way. The book stresses how arguments tend to come from a place of proving selves right. In doing so, the other party can feel embarrassed, guilty, etc. The best way to win friends is to praise others and help guide them to understanding a counterpoint. This way, the other can save face. The other can feel confident and comfortable coming to a conclusion that s/he realized on his/ her own.
  • Make others the model of distinction.No, this does not mean making an example out of someone. Instead, to influence someone, speaking highly of him/ her. Even go so far as to give him/ her a high distinction or responsibility. In this way, the person may live up to the distinction, and thus, be influenced to the act in a desired way. To be told or given the responsibility of being the best, you must be just that – and they’ll try that much more to live up to it.
  • Stay positive. Always. This book stressed positivity in every lesson. This shouldn’t be a surprise, but it reinforces the importance and power of the “simple” positivity. This can start as a smile. This can also include faking a smile. Akin to living up to a high distinction, faking positivity can create positivity.
  • Being supremely tactful is perhaps the best way to start. I can recall several instances recently where I’ve been… less than enthused. There have been times I have argued. Each time, I’ve realized a better way afterwards. Each time, I’ve acted more impulsively. What this book has taught me (or reinforced strongly) is to take a moment and be tactful in the face of disagreements and criticism. I will no doubt feel knee-jerk reactions, but I will have to take a moment think before actions (like the event at the apartment complex recently). With constant practice, I think my knee-jerk reactions will then be more positive and empathetic than today.

Check out the book. Reinforce things you may know, or may not have thought about. But also, take a moment to reflect on how you interact with others and the silent impression you give off.

What and how can you change to create more friends, or be more influential?
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