I’m Tired of Faking It, But I Want This War

I wanted to write a post today about a question I received on Twitter in regards to Friday’s post on Customer Discovery surveys. However, it’ll take a bit more energy, and to be honest, I’m exhausted. I have no topic in mind, but it’s 8:46AM and I want to be consistent in pushing out a blog post today. So, this will likely be more of a “personal” post.

I’ve been chasing this entrepreneurial dream for several years now, pivoting on ideas, starting new ones, meeting boatloads of people, and I really start to realize how this is all part of a marathon of sprints.

I’m exhausted to the point where I’m so tired I’m actually dry-heaving. Yet, I push myself to get up after a few hours of “sleep” to get to the gym. Maybe I could delay that trip, but to me, it’s the challenge. Perhaps because certain people expect me to be there anyways. Perhaps because I expect myself to be there despite it all. But it’s all good to get some exercise in me.

I’m tired of eating peanut butter sandwiches everyday for lunch and two eggs for breakfast + protein shake. So bland… But it’s easy, and I don’t have to think about it.

Amy Cuddy gave that great TED Talk about “faking it till you become it”. I’m tired of faking it, too. I’m faking being an iOS and kinda-web developer. I’m faking being an expert in business development and sales. I’m faking the smile I wear everyday when I could more easily wear a tired, lethargic face. I’m weak at saying no because I want to build a vaster network and learn more, faster. I’m faking my confidence because I don’t know how to be both vulnerable and confident… to be someone others can rely on.

And with that, I get the occasional unsolicited advice to “be more extroverted” and go out late at night with friends, or comments on how plain my clothes are like I shop at Costco (haha!). But dang, at some point, everyone thinks the best way to give advice is to tell you what you should do. No one realizes that I’m tired of putting up impressions all the time, so to be myself and comfortable so I can achieve other things is my sanctity and sanity. No one realizes that I’m meeting so many people (familiar and new) during the week and during the day, that I crave the chance to recharge my batteries. I’ve actually found myself wanting to take pictures with others to post on Instagram just so others will see I am out and being extroverted.

My weekends are like my weekdays… my holidays are like non-holidays. I exercise. I work. I meet. Without a consistent workout schedule, I might not actually know what day it is.

It’s family and friends who tell me I’m crazy or I should quit and go back into consulting to earn a stable paycheck. Yeah… that gets tiring, too. But truth is, no one really knows how to respond to you if you were to be vulnerable and ask for help. When I do, either dropping breadcrumbs or explicitly saying, “help”, most don’t really know how to respond… only entrepreneurs understand entrepreneurs.

But you know what? It’s my fault. I chose this path because I want something greater. So even though I’m rambling and ranting about the hardship of getting out of bed or even staying upright, I want this. Or at least, I want what I hope this all leads to. I’m losing a lot of battles these days… a lot. I’m so fatigued, but I want to win the war. I’m zig-zagging through the obstacles and the people to get to the finish line, and one day look back at all this, smile, and say it was all worth it.

Not saying this happens to all entrepreneurs, but I can feel the pull to quit, and it’s not because things aren’t “working”. Instead, it’s the pull of being tired… mentally and emotionally. Financial stability is nice, but it’s the mental, emotional support and stability that I can feel need some serious rejuvenation.

So I broke (read: destroyed) my 300-word count blog post limit, but then again, this post is not a post about anything specific. It’s a personal post. But you know what? I’m tired, and this post continues my consistency, and it was easy to just let it flow. Just like my entrepreneurial endeavor, I have to do what keeps me going and just let myself flow.

And if you’re an entrepreneur who stumbles on this, and feel the same way, know that you’re not alone. You’re not the only crazy one who gets tossed around and beaten and still gets up for more. I’m with you. We’re all with you.